...these are my confessions:
1. it annoys me that i am given a pink spoon every time i go to yogurtland. why never green? is green only for boys? i like green.
2. i judge men who use the phrase "lol"
3. i also judge men who use the elliptical machines at 24
4. Julia thinks I have a "frickin' amazing heart" because i took leftover cake to the homeless man on my route to work. i don't have an amazing heart. i just didn't want the extra calories sitting on the table, taunting me. he is pretty sweet though.
5. on occasion i pretend that i'm Taylor Swift
6. i love love. and love-birds
and the confession of all confessions...
{ i'm starting to see what is lost in isolation }
for a while i have been fascinated with what is gained when you can keep the world at an arms length- privacy, freedom from pesky accountability/responsibility, protection from those who tread carelessly upon our lives.
i've really convinced myself that i can do this crazy thing of life alone. i don't need help, thank you very much. yet i can sit across from a client and suggest that an absence of community is detrimental to their sobriety, and i can really mean it. i can say it with deep conviction and fiery passion.
but what about my own sobriety?
clarification: it is not sobriety from drugs, alcohol, or violence.
it is sobriety from a critical spirit, from stubbornness, from wallowing,
from anything that is not living in the fullness of God.
is not my own sobriety also being compromised?
the past few weeks have really given me a chance to re-evaluate. i have to ask myself if what i am doing is getting me what i need and want. time to turn my boldness back towards myself: No, Leigh Anne. What you are doing is not getting you what you need and what... what you were designed for.
maybe i have thought that i want safety,
when all i really want,
all anyone really wants,
is to be fully me and fully accepted at the same time
to do the messy work of community
i think i've been kidding myself that i'm kind of the community queen, and i just separate myself for protection. hmmm. yeah. well, the more i'm being forced into community, the more i'm realizing that i'm not community queen.
however i'm not sure community queen is actually the appropriate goal, is it? i think the goal is to live like Christ. to allow ourselves to be open like a lake (in the words of sweet Sara); to be open to grace, refinement, challenges, forgiveness, beauty, pain (i don't like that one), joy, peace, anxiety, partnership, miscommunication, reconciliation..... to lifffeeeeeee. right?
right.
