{and it's just you and me here now, only you and me here now}

This song has been on repeat in my mind and iTunes for the past few days. Maybe about every fifth play, I smile because David Crowder always reminds me of the community bathroom in Olson Hall  (2WO to be exact). 

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you who's crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

I've been entrusted with a brain that can analyze and process with the best of them. My mind is like a web of webs of information... data points collected from countless sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, feelings, emotions arranged in a complex interweaving of trains of thought made even more complex by the new bits of information added every day. This has made school ... well, I wouldn't say easier, per se... maybe I should say it has been a major contributor to my academic success. It has helped me in my quest to enjoy the depth and richness of life and people. It has enhanced my creativity. It has made my walk with God a unique one. 

It has also given me at times a false sense of mastery and control. I have slipped into looking to my ability to make sense of things as a source of security and safety. I have found myself managing relationships based on my ability to conceptualize them. When the messiness of life turns out to be beyond me ability to conceptualize, I interpret my mental failure as personal failure. 

And then our good and gracious God silences me, sometimes in a way that feels harsh and abrupt, always in a way that reminds me of his sovereignty. Until recently I think I interpreted anger from this kind of interaction with God. I don't want to go as far as to say that anger isn't a part of who God is or his heart towards me, BUT I do think that even if anger is part of the equation it's not the whole story. Actually, I'm going to be bold and say that it's not the most important part of what is going on.

God is good and gracious and tender and joyful and peaceful and powerful and just and merciful. In a moment of chaos, many times self-imposed, when I can't process my way out, God says, "make your heart right with me... and then wait. Wait and see how I show up. You aren't alone. I'm not going to give you what you deserve. Instead I'm offering you peace and hope that are deeper than the chaos and mess." 

Thank you God for being bigger than what I can conceptualize. Thank you for being stronger than my fears. Thank you for being deeper than my emotions.