{...i'd open up the moon for you

...  just come down soon}
- sara b.

love her. just plain love her.

other things i love:
anything moon: songs, shapes, moods. moon moods.
baby-sized things: spoons and toothbrushes- because they are cute and because they fit into my post-wisdom-teeth-removal mouth better than the adult sizes.
single serving sizes: haagen dazs, little GoodBelly probiotic drinks.

yes. love. warm love in my heart for these things.

so the point. yes. well, the context is:
had wisdom teeth removed - no big deal - so i thought - two dry sockets are a big deal - and bloody painful - pun intended - i don't usually like help - but yesterday i was so sad to be help-less - pathetic - went to the doc - got some relief - felt less pathetic --
i have a new friend who is in the making-fantastic-food business. well, he insisted upon doing something care-taking for me. usually, i could come up with about twenty different reasons why it was unnecessary. but i love food. and this soft food thing is getting dull. so i let him. he waltzed into my kitchen, cooked, talked, and cleaned the stove - all while i sat at the table, in jamjams, in glasses, with heating pad pushed up to cheeks.

here's what i noticed - sometimes people interpret another's misfortune as an opportune time to process their own drama... this was not one of those times. this was a time where i was allowed to just show up- to just be present.  i think i actually enjoyed watching my friend try to match tupperware lids to containers and clean the stove top. i think i said some of the most profoundly congruent self-reflecting statements, i think i laughed...honestly.

truthfully, it is no ones fault but our own if we do anything in life other than bring ourselves without disclaimers. the fact that i never do that is not the responsibility of the people i live my life beside. furthermore... it's not God's fault when i choose to remove myself from that space He creates for me to just be with Him - that space where i can just settle in and be the most honest, fullest, richest, voluptuous version of my self. Because the older i get, the more deeply i'm choosing to believe that God DOES indeed speak to me clearest, hold me closest, and funnel into me fullest when i am in that warm space of BEING. it's a space that is draped with butter yellow, fresh light, warmth, and it smells like cloves... or maybe gardenia- and i just want to collapse into it because it feeds me, fuels me, and straightens my crookedness all at the same time.

it's a wonder any of us deny meeting God in a space like that. i avoid it because i have this stupid rule in place that says, "true bad ass xena warrior princesses don't need that space and place. nope. and people who do are selfish. less holy. booo on them." yikes. maybe for others it's the fact that they were just never were taught that such a place existed- if our parent's didn't know about it, how could they tell us? maybe it's because it just seems to good to be true. maybe it's because it feels selfish to hide out there when people are dying and being raped and neglected.

this morning my friend asked me why i wanted to do counseling. whenever someone asks me that, my immediate internal response is, "i don't even know if i want to do counseling. i don't really like people." but today what came out of my mouth surprised me. i said, "you know, i've always been drawn to pain. i think maybe because there is something that God has put in me to bring to that pain." i wonder... maybe, living in that butter yellow space of being... maybe that kind of fattens me up with "being".... maybe God then equips me to take that "being" into the pain- and with it, the warmth, the peace, the richness, the depth, the light. MAYBE i don't have to sacrifice that space in order to do what i think my heart beats to do (exist in the pain and tension of the world). MAYBE, it is that space that allows me to DO IT. maybe... true warrior princesses need that space and place to be filled so that they can go kick some ass.

oh snap.

being is scary as long as we analyze it through this filter of doing. yes.... a be-ing will most likely look like a {royal screw up} (enter your own phrase of choice) to someone who is a do-ing. but to those that are also in the business of being, the presence of another be-ing is a validation and a continued invitation into freedom and wholeness.

i know a few be-ings, but i think i know more do-ings. the be-ings are initially a little frightening... they seem to push in on all the boundaries i've set up for myself to help me do. but you know what? no matter how close i can inch myself to a do-ing, i still fee alone. it's with the be-ings in my world that i can really come without disclaimer, without hesitation, without judging myself. i think it's the be-ings that really see the truest, richest version of me {richest version being named booty baby? maybe? how else will that ever make sense...}

i realize this is a lot about me. take it as me sharing a journal entry- and journal entries are allowed to be about ourselves.