:perfectly lonely:

:i don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me:
:that's the way, that's the way, that's the way that i want it:

really j. mayer? i'll sadly leave you in that delusion, illusion ... to that preclusion of a life fully realized.

confession- when i first heard the song i liked it. a lot.
it met a need i had to feel upbeat and righteous about my isolation (aka my choice method of coping).
funny, it never really helped.
nope. i wasn't perfectly lonely. i was just lonely.

today i heard the song again on the radio. let it be known that i do enjoy mayer. i get, and don't necessarily disagree with, reasons people have for criticizing him and his music: "he's a pervert," "he's not really that good of a vocalist," "he's just another guy with a guitar." yeah, and for some reason i still find myself drawn to certain songs of his. i get the sense that he has the propensity for depth. i wonder if his crudeness and heartless dealings with women are maladaptive responses to "stuff" in his life. this person who has the capacity for profundity chooses to keep it to himself where it plateaus and remains caged. maybe in isolation people start to rot a little bit ... they have no access to the feedback, nourishment, and pruning that come with meaningful relationships. possibly. i won't deny the luxuries of doing life solo, but like i said ... i think it's an illusion ... a promise of fulfillment, control, freedom that can only stand to support a sort of lackluster existence. and i'm just going to throw this out there : removing ourselves from relationship creates the perfect environment for non-truths to take root and take over.

i'm dealing with my own learning curve in this area. moving towards intimacy is a risk because we have to re-visit the rules of our lives and evaluate if they are really working for us. old comfortable rules die hard, especially when their factuality seems to have been reinforced and proven by our life experiences. i'm not even 25, but i already know that i'm not going to do this "perfectly lonely" dance and shellack a smile on my face until i've convinced myself that it's "the way that i want it."

instead:
* "i'm there too," michelle featherstone
* "take a load off annie," marshall tucker band
* "better," regina spektor
* "i'm gonna be," the proclaimers
* "by your side," sade
* "heavenly day," patty griffin
* "stick with me baby," robert plant & alison krauss
* "easy silence," dixie chicks
* "roll to the middle," sara groves
* "loving a person," sara groves
* "different kinds of happy," sara groves
* "i hurt too," katie herzig
* "always a use," madeleine peyroux
* "a message," coldplay
* "coming up easy," paolo nutini


i am in no way shape or form promoting enmeshment. no no no no. that's like the cousin of j. mayer's approach to life : equally miserable.

[big sigh] ... something to be unpacked another day.

in closing, i'm thinking about something one of the most amazing women in the world said to me today. we were talking about the above and related subjects, and somehow i was reminded of something this cutie-patootie 3 year old said to me. i had just made him dinner and got him all situated at the table with his placemat, teddy-bear plate, and glass of milk. then like i usually do, i headed back to start cleaning up. he looked over at me and said, "would you like to come over and keep me company?"

i melted. i realized that i had overlooked the treasure of his little soul that wanted nothing more than to be close to me. i realize how often i do that with people in my world.

and then the amazing woman said something to me, "Leigh Anne, don't you think God might be waiting for you to ask him that question? 'Hi God, would you like to come over and keep me company?"

why... hmmm... i guess.... i guess maybe.... and maybe somehow i have a bit of that preciousness in my spirit. the kind that just makes him melt, gush, drop everything, come be with me and delight.