For whatever reason, I have been feeling uncomfortably in tune with my need for God. A good pastor's daughter like me comes out of the womb knowing that "there's a God-shaped-vacuum inside every person," and that "nothing but God can satisfy it." I get it, I know it, I believe it. Lately I think I have been living it. I live the longing for something outside of me to provide even a hint comfort, hope, joy, conviction, passion, empowerment, purpose, peace. I live the disappointment that follows when I pick something other than the something. {Thankfully} I live the "power and comfort of God's hand in mine,"** when I orient myself to God, his truth, his people, his leadership, his judgment, his mercy, his covenant, his spirit.
Today this song came up on my iPod.
**http://www.last.fm/music/Sara+Groves/_/He%27s+Always+Been+Faithful
One of the lines is, "all I have need of his hand will provide, he's always been faithful to me." There are so many times that I am so overcome by the "all I have need of," part {my needs, poverty, starvation, rape, murder, broken marriages, miscarriages, death, cancer, yadda yadda yadda}. Tonight the tears come because I just can not get over the profound reality that "he's always been faithful to me."
It's not that I have forgotten the longings of my heart. They are still very present, and very real. At the same time, I am struck by the richness, purity, and depth of God's provision. I don't know why it is so easy for me to start to fear that God will suddenly decide to stop providing. The Bible doesn't teach me that- it teaches that God is a covenant keeper- that he knows me, cares for me, is gracious unto me, created me, redeems me, forgives me, protects me. When the fear sets in, that's when I try to take matters in my own hands.
I'm thinking of what happens sometimes when I'm babysitting : I make the bottle, baby sees bottle, I take baby and bottle into baby's room, I set bottle down, attempt to change baby, baby who has seen bottle screams because I'm trying to change them into pajamas first, baby resists the pajama change prolonging the process. Poor thing doesn't know that if they would just stop resisting, we'd get those little jammies zipped up and go get the bottle.
I become baby: "ummmmm I just saw God make the bottle, but now he's withholding it from me?" So I fight it, and fight it, and fight it. I imagine God saying, "just settle down, slow down, calm down."
We can wiggle ourselves out of the God's arms that have never ceased to provide in an attempt to get our hands on the goods and satisfy what feels like a starving belly. That's kind of what Abram and Sarai tended to do {read it}. I wonder if they would have had to wait so long for Isaac had they been more obedient. We can't really know that, but I think we can be fairly confident that they would have avoided some fall-out {i.e. Hagar drama} had they chosen to walk with God rather than trying to fulfill God's promise to them... by themselves. Kind of stupid, actually. I don't know why humanity does that.
We do not get to control how God demonstrates his faithfulness or the timing of the process.
But we do have choice in the matter:
option #1: earnestly seek God's hand {i.e. God to act in the ways we expect/demand}
or
option #2: earnestly seek God's face.
The former can leave us disappointed, throwing a hissy, deciding that God is holding out. That's super annoying and tends to isolate us from relationships because other people get sick of being around that craziness. But the worst part about option #1 is that we are missing out on the profound experience of knowing God.
My knowledge of God is earth-bound, but it is profoundly rich and life giving- it's intangible and indescribable, and so intimate that no other human being can ever comprehensively experience it with me.
And yet it comprehensively
... no...
it abundantly fills me.
i can't remember a trial or a pain
he did not recycle to bring me gain
i can't remember one single regret
in serving God only and trusting his hand
all i have need of his hand will provide
he's always been faithful to me
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