don't worry baby

if i were to write a letter to forgiveness, i think i would say:

Dear forgiveness,
you b......,
i'm not sure i like you.
maybe because i don't really know you.
and to be honest, i don't want to.
it feels counter-intuitive to even consider you.
so i've removed you from my address book,
and taken you off the back burner. 
i'll let people without pain invite you over for coffee.

this has been my approach lately. i've rationalized it by concluding that you can't really forgive someone unless they repent. maybe you can be in a place where your heart is ready to forgive someone, but honestly i haven't really cared about pursuing even that.

i have said all of this in complete transparency before the Lord. I've even said, "hey God, i'm asking that you stop loving so-and-so." do i think this grieves his heart? of course. do i think my pain also grieves his heart? yes. i don't think God questions my reasoning. however, i do think it saddens him to see me stuck in that emotion. i think i could probably choose to live in that level of pain for the rest of my life, and not be struck dead due to the wrath of God. i see people all around me who have chosen to stay in the pain. i see them existing in God's grace...

but i don't see them living.

and don't i believe that the glory of God is man fully alive?
yes. i do.

the other day i said to God, "i can not carry this around anymore," ["this" meaning an undefined, heavy burden of shame/pain/resentment]. and i'm pretty sure He replied, "you don't have to." in other words, get rid of the burden by forgiving.

ok well, i don't really feel like forgiving anyone. i would love for so-and-so to be held accountable. i would love for so-and-so to suffer. i would love for so-and-so to be banished to relational time-out so they have to be alone forever and ever and ever... and ever. and be really sad. and feel punished. and pay for what they did.

in the midst of my tantrum, God says, "leigh anne, you don't have to achieve ultimate forgiveness over what has happened. what you have to do is surrender your list of grievances to ME- let ME be the judge- let me take care of the wrongs- let me take care of the responsible parties. you don't have to come up with forgiveness on your own. you can't. what you have to do is defer to my forgiveness that i have already accomplished."

what a relief! forgiveness is God's job! my job is surrender.
and then... i have another thought: i don't want God to forgive so-and-so. i want so-and-so to pay. i want so-and-so to suffer. [hi. my name is Jonah.]

and yet again, another thought:
so-and-so's suffering is also my suffering.
so-and-so's deserved punishment, is also my deserved punishment.
if so-and-so is horrid, so am i.

i can already sense my prayers changing. i am asking God to root me in the knowledge that He has forgiven me. maybe if i can get that, even just a little bit more profoundly, my heart will start to be able to channel forgiveness out into the world. as my heart gains the capacity to receive forgiveness for me, it has the capacity to extend forgiveness to others.

God's forgiveness is not letting something go un-punished, it's stepping in to take on the deserved punishment. My forgiveness is deferring to that which only God can do. It is trusting God to be the judge, as well as savior.

this is tricky stuff to articulate in writing- because it is kind of complex, and also because i am in class.

so

over and out.