{subsequent line...}
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, love someone
but I can't do any of that here, can I?
I'll get back to that song in a moment, but first a few thoughts:
1. I'm curious as to how people ever come to think that it makes sense to attempt to flush paper towel
2. male jorts = sickie
3. people in Colorado are irritatingly ok with driving 5 miles under the speed limit
4. sugar-free frosting is gross
5. I just saw a male ponytail that made sense
Oh and a few more things:
* there are luxuries to isolating, there are also serious trade-offs
* the magnitude of one's personal experience of grace is directly proportional to the depth of grace that can be given
* "... what we have lost will never be returned to us. The land will not heal- too much blood. All we can do is learn from the past and make peace with it."
* the way we relate to ourselves will eventually infiltrate the way we relate to others, if it hasn't already
* there are some beauties that simply can not be captured by a photograph, a song, a painting, a poem
And so, back to my original thought: "I want to get on with getting on with things."
Imogen Heap is one of the most brilliant human beings. I might actually chop off a limb to see her in concert. There's something about her awkwardness that is compelling. It hints at a subtle wisdom that may have come from dealing with big questions and probably pain. There are times I wonder if I want to be a writer. Then I listen to just one Imogen song and think, "Welp, she just said everything I've been trying to articulate."
You would have to listen to this song to really feel it's impact. There's this energy that kind of sits right below the words. It makes me want to run. Forever. Seriously. Last night on the treadmill {at one of the skankiest 24-hour Fitness locations on the planet} I increased my speed to an 8 minute mile when this song started playing. If that doesn't impress you, pretend that it does.
{take a little listen if your heart so desires... }
http://www.last.fm/music/Imogen+Heap/First+Train+Home
Before today, I interpreted the line, "I can't do any of that here, can I?" as being trapped in a physical and geographical location. Today, I have a different response. I feel trapped in that space between the offense and the peace - some might call it bitterness, but to those people I say, "Hey. So, take a long walk down a short pier." I think it might just be part of the healing. But anyways, what do we do in that space? Is there a way to make it go faster? What are the steps to making peace with the past? If only I had a neat little prescription plan, preferably with a time frame. Imogen sings,
{ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbTW0lhR1Y}
Where do we go from here, how do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions
clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
it cuts me with every could have been
pain on pain on play, repeating
with the backup makeshift life in waiting
everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow, the endless in-between?
are we just going to wait it out?
...
and sit here cold?
we will be long gone by then and lackluster
in dust we lay around old magazines, florescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being in the one life that we've got
Exactly. There's got to be some kind of balance between waiting and doing- between simply being present and pushing past intuitive sadness. Where is my responsibility in this waiting period? How do I get on with getting on with things? I can't just sit here and wallow.
This morning I pulled out "My Utmost for His Highest." This is what I read:
{in reference to Romans 8:16}
"'Why does God not reveal Himself to me?' He cannot, it is not that He will not, but He cannot, because you are in the road as long as you won't abandon absolutely to Him. Immediately you do, God witnesses to Himself, He cannot witness to you, but He witness instantly to His own nature in you. If you had the witness before the reality, it would end in sentimental emotion. Immediately you transact on the Redemption, and stop the impertinence of debate, God gives on the witness. As soon as you abandon reasoning and argument, God witnesses to what He has done, and we are amazed at our impertinence in having kept Him waiting."
So, the sovereign God chases us with reckless abandon. He also gives us the dignity of choice, andwaits for our choice to abandon ourselves to His presence. The paradox not only exists, but somehow it functions harmoniously. I am to wait patiently in the process while at the same time do the gut-wrenching work of abandoning absolutely to Him.
and that, my peeps, is all I know to say.
