"target"... arrow ... cupid ... (cherub .. chubby?) ... valentines day ... eww.
in honor of this "eww"-ness, today i am reflecting on sin : D ba ha ha.
actually, i started this inner dialogue earlier this week. today just seems like the right day for the thoughts to assemble into letters and words and travel down my arms, through my fingers, to these keys, on this screen.
so, last weekend i went to this stupid complimentary training session. my trainer for the hour, among other things [i.e. handsy], was ... enthusiastic. after telling me my physique was "acceptable," he encouraged me to abide by a plan that i can only describe as a legalistic version of the religion of fitness. i admit, he was rather convincing. for a moment i actually believed my new life goal should be to have a BMI of 15%. when the session was over, i got my things and headed out. he stopped me, "wait, are you finished?" um. yes. "yeah. i've got a Bible study to get to." "oh, so you're one of those religious types."
i noticed him trying to catch my eye during subsequent work-outs. this kind of weirdness is interpreted by most ladies as creepy. i thought i had successfully managed to convince him that i was un-interruptible. [i felt pretty confident about my shoulder presses]. i was walking out of the facility when i saw him out of the corner of my eye... and he was moving towards me. then he said hi. then he walked with me to the door. then he cornered me. and started to ask me about church.
i said a little- just enough to answer his questions, not enough to invite more conversation. then he started to tell me about his beliefs. fair enough, [although the context of a 24 hour fitness was unexpected]. he told me that he had grown up Catholic, went to a protestant/evangelical church in his young adult life, and now as a 50(?) year old, he has found something new and "amazing." I don't remember the specific names of the people, books, or movements ... maybe miracle something ... but I do remember him saying that in this new spirituality of his he has found the truth: "church wants us to believe that we are separate from God when really we are one with him." [oh boy.] "God is love ... all that stuff they say about sin ... why would God create us to sin? God is perfect!" [oh no.] "I mean, it's so great! It all makes sense! God loves us!" it was the wrong time for me to say anything other than, "i'd love to hear more about it sometime," which was true. i want to hear what this spirituality of his is, because it says something about what he is looking for and what he needs.
my immediate afterthought was, "we [people] don't get sin." lately, God has been answering a prayer i said years ago, asking him to "pull back the covers to reveal my other [figurative] lovers." He's been dealing with me. He's been exposing what my heart seems to lust after like an adulterous wife. He's been meeting me, as i sit in a newly humbled posture. He's been loving me.
I think that it's possible that humanity can't handle the unrest of the topic of "sin" because we don't get it ... we don't see the full picture. We can see-feel-taste-hear-smell the shame, the void, the darkness. We don't like to sit in this stuff. some rationalize and justify to dissolve the guilt. some wallow in shame so as to at least be honest. my trainer friend decides that sin is an illusion and that we are really one with God ... that we ARE God. I wonder if he's really convinced himself of that. i can't think that he has ... there's too much pain in the world to keep flying in the face of such a farce.
i don't claim to know it perfectly, to live it perfectly, to be perfectly faithful to it ... but i know the answer - the one that even in all of it's mystery can free me from forsakenness.
Jesus.
the reality of sin is horrific.
the reality of Jesus is glorious.
by denying-invalidating-erasing sin, we deny-invalidate-erase JESUS that rushes in like a flood with grace, peace, mercy, fulfillment, joy.
we have to acknowledge the sin
sit with the mess
long enough
for the blood of Jesus to move in
and heal, bind up, purify, to give life
my heart doesn't always feel all of this as a reality. in those times i have to choose faith and hope in the things i "know" cognitively. there are a few moments in my life where it has seemed like the space between me and God wasn so thin that i could almost hear him breathing. One of these times was right in the middle of a pretty dark day [week... month ... semester?] of college. this song came on. and i stopped. it was like i was hearing the words for the first time. it was like they were passing over God's lips and humming in my ears ... kind of like how words sound when your head is resting on someone's chest while they are talking. the song's significance gets deeper and richer with every painful experience: "love to the loveless shown" adolescence?, "your heavy heart is made of stone" college?, "and I'm not gonna take it back, and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that" 2009? With all of the fractured displays of love in this world (sins against us), and the fallout we experience when we royally mess up (sins by us), it is NO WONDER the ache in a heart is stilled at the very possibility that God could love like this - relentless, piercing, reckless, valiant, forever.
so Lord, don't let me hide from the reality of my sin
and don't let me hide from the reality of you.
[disclaimer: "and i'm nothing on my own." God doesn't need us. right. i get it. and at the same time, there's an element of the opposite reality - that God isn't really God if he is not loving His creation. I haven't fully thought this one out yet. let it be in tension, people.] [and happy valentine's day, valentines.]
my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes on
you don't have to be alone
your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be alone
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
got to get that message home
my song is love
my song is love, unknown
but i'm on fire for you, clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own
and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home
and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it till it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and sing
that i'm nothing on my own
my song is love, love unknown
and i've got to get that message home
coldplay <3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
:perfectly lonely:
:i don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me:
:that's the way, that's the way, that's the way that i want it:
really j. mayer? i'll sadly leave you in that delusion, illusion ... to that preclusion of a life fully realized.
confession- when i first heard the song i liked it. a lot.
it met a need i had to feel upbeat and righteous about my isolation (aka my choice method of coping).
funny, it never really helped.
nope. i wasn't perfectly lonely. i was just lonely.
today i heard the song again on the radio. let it be known that i do enjoy mayer. i get, and don't necessarily disagree with, reasons people have for criticizing him and his music: "he's a pervert," "he's not really that good of a vocalist," "he's just another guy with a guitar." yeah, and for some reason i still find myself drawn to certain songs of his. i get the sense that he has the propensity for depth. i wonder if his crudeness and heartless dealings with women are maladaptive responses to "stuff" in his life. this person who has the capacity for profundity chooses to keep it to himself where it plateaus and remains caged. maybe in isolation people start to rot a little bit ... they have no access to the feedback, nourishment, and pruning that come with meaningful relationships. possibly. i won't deny the luxuries of doing life solo, but like i said ... i think it's an illusion ... a promise of fulfillment, control, freedom that can only stand to support a sort of lackluster existence. and i'm just going to throw this out there : removing ourselves from relationship creates the perfect environment for non-truths to take root and take over.
i'm dealing with my own learning curve in this area. moving towards intimacy is a risk because we have to re-visit the rules of our lives and evaluate if they are really working for us. old comfortable rules die hard, especially when their factuality seems to have been reinforced and proven by our life experiences. i'm not even 25, but i already know that i'm not going to do this "perfectly lonely" dance and shellack a smile on my face until i've convinced myself that it's "the way that i want it."
instead:
* "i'm there too," michelle featherstone
* "take a load off annie," marshall tucker band
* "better," regina spektor
* "i'm gonna be," the proclaimers
* "by your side," sade
* "heavenly day," patty griffin
* "stick with me baby," robert plant & alison krauss
* "easy silence," dixie chicks
* "roll to the middle," sara groves
* "loving a person," sara groves
* "different kinds of happy," sara groves
* "i hurt too," katie herzig
* "always a use," madeleine peyroux
* "a message," coldplay
* "coming up easy," paolo nutini
i am in no way shape or form promoting enmeshment. no no no no. that's like the cousin of j. mayer's approach to life : equally miserable.
[big sigh] ... something to be unpacked another day.
in closing, i'm thinking about something one of the most amazing women in the world said to me today. we were talking about the above and related subjects, and somehow i was reminded of something this cutie-patootie 3 year old said to me. i had just made him dinner and got him all situated at the table with his placemat, teddy-bear plate, and glass of milk. then like i usually do, i headed back to start cleaning up. he looked over at me and said, "would you like to come over and keep me company?"
i melted. i realized that i had overlooked the treasure of his little soul that wanted nothing more than to be close to me. i realize how often i do that with people in my world.
and then the amazing woman said something to me, "Leigh Anne, don't you think God might be waiting for you to ask him that question? 'Hi God, would you like to come over and keep me company?"
why... hmmm... i guess.... i guess maybe.... and maybe somehow i have a bit of that preciousness in my spirit. the kind that just makes him melt, gush, drop everything, come be with me and delight.
:that's the way, that's the way, that's the way that i want it:
really j. mayer? i'll sadly leave you in that delusion, illusion ... to that preclusion of a life fully realized.
confession- when i first heard the song i liked it. a lot.
it met a need i had to feel upbeat and righteous about my isolation (aka my choice method of coping).
funny, it never really helped.
nope. i wasn't perfectly lonely. i was just lonely.
today i heard the song again on the radio. let it be known that i do enjoy mayer. i get, and don't necessarily disagree with, reasons people have for criticizing him and his music: "he's a pervert," "he's not really that good of a vocalist," "he's just another guy with a guitar." yeah, and for some reason i still find myself drawn to certain songs of his. i get the sense that he has the propensity for depth. i wonder if his crudeness and heartless dealings with women are maladaptive responses to "stuff" in his life. this person who has the capacity for profundity chooses to keep it to himself where it plateaus and remains caged. maybe in isolation people start to rot a little bit ... they have no access to the feedback, nourishment, and pruning that come with meaningful relationships. possibly. i won't deny the luxuries of doing life solo, but like i said ... i think it's an illusion ... a promise of fulfillment, control, freedom that can only stand to support a sort of lackluster existence. and i'm just going to throw this out there : removing ourselves from relationship creates the perfect environment for non-truths to take root and take over.
i'm dealing with my own learning curve in this area. moving towards intimacy is a risk because we have to re-visit the rules of our lives and evaluate if they are really working for us. old comfortable rules die hard, especially when their factuality seems to have been reinforced and proven by our life experiences. i'm not even 25, but i already know that i'm not going to do this "perfectly lonely" dance and shellack a smile on my face until i've convinced myself that it's "the way that i want it."
instead:
* "i'm there too," michelle featherstone
* "take a load off annie," marshall tucker band
* "better," regina spektor
* "i'm gonna be," the proclaimers
* "by your side," sade
* "heavenly day," patty griffin
* "stick with me baby," robert plant & alison krauss
* "easy silence," dixie chicks
* "roll to the middle," sara groves
* "loving a person," sara groves
* "different kinds of happy," sara groves
* "i hurt too," katie herzig
* "always a use," madeleine peyroux
* "a message," coldplay
* "coming up easy," paolo nutini
i am in no way shape or form promoting enmeshment. no no no no. that's like the cousin of j. mayer's approach to life : equally miserable.
[big sigh] ... something to be unpacked another day.
in closing, i'm thinking about something one of the most amazing women in the world said to me today. we were talking about the above and related subjects, and somehow i was reminded of something this cutie-patootie 3 year old said to me. i had just made him dinner and got him all situated at the table with his placemat, teddy-bear plate, and glass of milk. then like i usually do, i headed back to start cleaning up. he looked over at me and said, "would you like to come over and keep me company?"
i melted. i realized that i had overlooked the treasure of his little soul that wanted nothing more than to be close to me. i realize how often i do that with people in my world.
and then the amazing woman said something to me, "Leigh Anne, don't you think God might be waiting for you to ask him that question? 'Hi God, would you like to come over and keep me company?"
why... hmmm... i guess.... i guess maybe.... and maybe somehow i have a bit of that preciousness in my spirit. the kind that just makes him melt, gush, drop everything, come be with me and delight.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
: are you lonesome tonight :
self-admitted guilty pleasure = the bachelor.
a. as Lauren Angel says, it's a reminder of how distasteful crazy girl is. blech. spit that out.
b. affirms my theory on the curse of Eve ... women having a tendency to surrender themselves to at times relationally incapable men
c. awkward + drama + tearful train wrecks = entertaining {it's simple math}
the more i pursue things like authenticity, integrity, congruence, i am starting to see little sproutings of balance and discernment. something i've been thinking of lately is the marriage of freedom and accountability. case in point : the bachelor.
if i had a nickel for every time i yell at the computer screen, "girl, you signed up for the bachelor. goodness gracious." i have slight empathy because i know my own capability to be clingly/needy/subservient/spineless. however my strongest emotion is frustration. these women walked into the disaster of the bachelor. {interestingly, they are all "catches" by societies standards. why so single and primed to surrender self?} the whole thing screams of fear : fear that manifests itself as over-analyzing, crying, manipulation, anxiety, blame, self-centeredness, insecurity, scrambling, hopeless attempts to control everyone and everything ... all yucky. bigger picture, it's my guess that many if not most of the girls that signed up did so at least in part because they were afraid of being single - in the present or forever.
i'm not on the bachelor but there are many times that i forge into territory that only promises disappointment and maybe disaster. and then i feel like the victim to what is only natural consequences to my decisions. no doubt there are inviting aspects of the bachelor : come make out with a hottie, sit by the pool all day, travel, have pillow fights, drink champagne all the time. seems to promise to make every girl the queen bee ... but ... how is that possible? the bachelor is set up so that one girl stands at the end, but then again there's the possibility that the dude choses no one ... or that he chooses someone and the "relationship" turns into the most dreadful experience of a lady's lifetime. side note : those producers are heartless.
such things in life promise to make us princes and princesses. and then they leave us looking like suckers. what's that thing Isaiah says to Israel when they are grieving the fact that their ba'als aren't answering them? "They say nothing, because they are nothing -- sham gods, no-gods, fool-making gods," [isaiah 41:24].
i'm contrasting this whole corrupt situation with a different kind of darkness. There's a book I got for Christmas that i've finally made time to read. It's called, "I Loved Jesus in the Night." The second-title part is, "Teresa of Calcutta, a Secret Revealed." listen to this : i hate reading. but i can't put this little thing down. I love Paul Murray for writing it in short-chapter form. Here's the profound and impossibility of Mother Teresa's soul condition - she was overwhelmed with darkness. "To be in love and yet not love, to live by faith and yet not to believe. To spend myself and yet to be in total darkness." She was overwhelmed with a looming sense of a terrible co-existence of a longing for God and the feeling that he had abandoned her.
unlike those bachelor babes, Mother Teresa faced the darkness with honesty, petitions, commitment, diligence. her exhausted and wrung-dry heart moved forward into a calling that came from a God she at times doubted even existed. "The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable ... I have no faith -- I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart -- and make me suffer untold agony ... If there is a God, please forgive me ... When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul." um.
and further contrary to those other ladies, Mother Teresa is described by those who encountered here as radiant. RADIANT. i look at those ladies on t.v. and the word that comes to mind is pitiful. Mother Teresa seems to have made some peace with the tension of the soul. She was moved by the words of John of the Cross : "This dark night is an inflow of God into the soul." Or as Paul Murray says, "Rather [the darkness] was the shadow cast in her soul by the overwhelming light of God's presence : God utterly present and yet utterly hidden."
in a time of serious illness (June 1983), Mother Teresa wrote, rather prayed, "Jesus, I love with my whole heart, with my whole being. I have given Him all, even my sins, and He has espoused me to Himself in tenderness and love."
she walked into a calling ... into uncharted territory ... into darkness ... into tension ... into being ... into honesty ... into fear ... this was not a manipulative way to get her love cup filled ... but that seems to be exactly what happened.
amen, and amen.
a. as Lauren Angel says, it's a reminder of how distasteful crazy girl is. blech. spit that out.
b. affirms my theory on the curse of Eve ... women having a tendency to surrender themselves to at times relationally incapable men
c. awkward + drama + tearful train wrecks = entertaining {it's simple math}
the more i pursue things like authenticity, integrity, congruence, i am starting to see little sproutings of balance and discernment. something i've been thinking of lately is the marriage of freedom and accountability. case in point : the bachelor.
if i had a nickel for every time i yell at the computer screen, "girl, you signed up for the bachelor. goodness gracious." i have slight empathy because i know my own capability to be clingly/needy/subservient/spineless. however my strongest emotion is frustration. these women walked into the disaster of the bachelor. {interestingly, they are all "catches" by societies standards. why so single and primed to surrender self?} the whole thing screams of fear : fear that manifests itself as over-analyzing, crying, manipulation, anxiety, blame, self-centeredness, insecurity, scrambling, hopeless attempts to control everyone and everything ... all yucky. bigger picture, it's my guess that many if not most of the girls that signed up did so at least in part because they were afraid of being single - in the present or forever.
i'm not on the bachelor but there are many times that i forge into territory that only promises disappointment and maybe disaster. and then i feel like the victim to what is only natural consequences to my decisions. no doubt there are inviting aspects of the bachelor : come make out with a hottie, sit by the pool all day, travel, have pillow fights, drink champagne all the time. seems to promise to make every girl the queen bee ... but ... how is that possible? the bachelor is set up so that one girl stands at the end, but then again there's the possibility that the dude choses no one ... or that he chooses someone and the "relationship" turns into the most dreadful experience of a lady's lifetime. side note : those producers are heartless.
such things in life promise to make us princes and princesses. and then they leave us looking like suckers. what's that thing Isaiah says to Israel when they are grieving the fact that their ba'als aren't answering them? "They say nothing, because they are nothing -- sham gods, no-gods, fool-making gods," [isaiah 41:24].
i'm contrasting this whole corrupt situation with a different kind of darkness. There's a book I got for Christmas that i've finally made time to read. It's called, "I Loved Jesus in the Night." The second-title part is, "Teresa of Calcutta, a Secret Revealed." listen to this : i hate reading. but i can't put this little thing down. I love Paul Murray for writing it in short-chapter form. Here's the profound and impossibility of Mother Teresa's soul condition - she was overwhelmed with darkness. "To be in love and yet not love, to live by faith and yet not to believe. To spend myself and yet to be in total darkness." She was overwhelmed with a looming sense of a terrible co-existence of a longing for God and the feeling that he had abandoned her.
unlike those bachelor babes, Mother Teresa faced the darkness with honesty, petitions, commitment, diligence. her exhausted and wrung-dry heart moved forward into a calling that came from a God she at times doubted even existed. "The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable ... I have no faith -- I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart -- and make me suffer untold agony ... If there is a God, please forgive me ... When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul." um.
and further contrary to those other ladies, Mother Teresa is described by those who encountered here as radiant. RADIANT. i look at those ladies on t.v. and the word that comes to mind is pitiful. Mother Teresa seems to have made some peace with the tension of the soul. She was moved by the words of John of the Cross : "This dark night is an inflow of God into the soul." Or as Paul Murray says, "Rather [the darkness] was the shadow cast in her soul by the overwhelming light of God's presence : God utterly present and yet utterly hidden."
in a time of serious illness (June 1983), Mother Teresa wrote, rather prayed, "Jesus, I love with my whole heart, with my whole being. I have given Him all, even my sins, and He has espoused me to Himself in tenderness and love."
she walked into a calling ... into uncharted territory ... into darkness ... into tension ... into being ... into honesty ... into fear ... this was not a manipulative way to get her love cup filled ... but that seems to be exactly what happened.
amen, and amen.
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