{there is a hope that whispers a vow...

... a promise to stay while we're working it out, so come with your love and wash over us}

s. groves

There's something about Dallas that exposes places of my heart that seem to want to hide. Some of the places are indeed the corners that are perfect for a sin to weasel into and hide from the light. Other places are pure and good and rich- just a little hesitant to step into the vulnerability of being seen. There's just something about being here. Unlike a lot of things in my life, the "something" is tangible... unnamable, but tangible. I can feel it in my chest, I can sense it in my mind, and feel it in my soul.... deep down. It's as if this has become the place God takes me when he wants some one-on-one time, away from the chaos of life. There are people here that I know have specifically been placed in my life to help me re-calibrate, to give me a broader picture of who Abba is, to hold up a mirror and say, "girlie, this is who you are. Can't you see it?" I think my tired little heart knew it had been wrung out during seminary... and I think it knew to come here... kind of like how mommy penguins regularly do the whole migration to the ocean to fill their bellies with food to bring back to their babies. {At least I think that's how it works... roughly.}

One of my favorite things about Dallas is the morning. I like waking up here. Maybe it's the sunlight that flows in, maybe it's Annie the dog coming to greet me while I'm still in bed, maybe it's Gilad [side note: if you don't know about the Israeli studmuffin, look him up. now.] The morning comes in and invites me to sit right smack dab in the presence of God... right at His feet. It's easy for me forget that I have permission to be there. Hmmmmm.... actually it's not permission. I don't think God just puts up with me coming to Him... I think He longs for it. I think He's created a comfy little spot to perfectly suit my booty. The hope is to choose to connect to this place wherever I am- physically, emotionally, cognitively.

In that place before God any rigidity in my heart softens. Tightness loosens. Numbness fades. I start to sink back into myself. Just as soon as I sink in and settle, this subtle awareness and knowledge of God starts to flow in. I find a calmness and a peace and a hope that the world just can't offer. There's a joy that seems too good to be true. WIthout even trying I start to feel surrendered. When I'm sitting before the Lord my heart-response is gratitude, trust, humility, confidence, peace, restfulness. Maybe the most noticeable feeling I have is that I can just be... because sitting at the throne is different than trying to sit in it. Acknowledging that God is God and I am not is soul-freeing. Funny how we can start to think that control is the remedy for fear. No way jose. It's submission to God's omniscience. Putting self or anything else in God's throne only feeds the fear and increases the demands on the soul. 

I don't know why we wander from this place of surrender and start to creep up onto the throne. Maybe we get over-confident or impatient. Maybe we start to listen to the serpent like Eve did- "Don't you know? God's holding out on you." 

Listening to that lie starts to create a prodigal heart, at least it has in me. I gather up my inheritance- the ways God has gifted me, created me, blessed me- and I take off to find my own way. I have been overwhelmed with the awareness of how this prodigal daughter has broken my Father's heart... but... I have been more overwhelmed by His response to me when reality sets in and I am absolutely and completely without- nothing to sustain me, nothing to give back as a penance to my Father. 

"[I] was so hungry [I] would have eaten the corn cobs in the pig slop, but no one would give [me] any. That brought [me] to [my] senses. [I] said, 

'All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. I'll say to him, father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your [daughter]. Take me on as a hired hand.'

[I] got right up and went home to [my] father. 

When [I] was still a long way off, [my] father saw [me]. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced [me], and kissed [me]. [I] started [my] speech: 

'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your [daughter] ever again.'

But [my] father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress [her]. Put the family ring on [her] finger and sandals on [her] feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My [daughter] is here- given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!'

And [we] began to have a wonderful time." 

It's like Miss Groves so eloquently sings: 

there is a love that never fails

there is a healing that always prevails

there is a hope that whispers a vow

a promise to stay while we're working it out

so come with your love and wash over us 

Thank you, my father,

for whispering a vow when I don't hear you call 

thank you staying when I wander

thank you for being patient while I work it out

thank you. 

{i never swam far from shore}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av2O2MIZuHY

I think I've been listening to this song on repeat for about an hour at least and I'm not even the least bit sick of it. There's an ease to the melody, and a consistency... a confident yet at-peace stillness. It's a song that reminds me of the eye of a storm. Perhaps that is why it has made itself at home in my head.

Lately I've been feeling what I can only describe as slow motion chaos. There's an element of that every time I'm anticipating big change or transition. My counselor-self reassures my non-counselor-self that this is all normal, and I'll soon settle back into homoeostasis. In the meantime, I'll listen to this song and others like it that seem to infuse the slow motion chaos with a soothing reminder of transcendence. Standing alone, on a sandbar out in the middle of some vast expanse of water, a monster of a wave threatening my unprotected human body with its mass. I close my eyes, surrender to the unknown, and the fear fades because I know the Knower.

I'm not sure exactly what the wave is. Maybe I subconsciously named it earlier... "the unknown." Not just some stupid "unknown" that people refer to when someone graduates high school or college... or a masters program. I mean sure, yes, I am graduating in a month-ish. No I don't have a ten year plan... or a one year plan. But to say that my personal unknown can be simplified to graduating without having nailed down my next whatever is almost insulting. The big wave is so much more complex and mysterious, probably because a person is so much more than a two-dimensional being that leads a connect-the-dots kind of existence.

In my world, the unknown is synonymous with tension. I think of how many times I sense its threatening presence and react by either running towards the wave and surrender to it just so that I don't have to anticipate my collapse any longer, or putting up my dukes as if I could fight it off. I'm picturing that kid from the movie Little Giants who has the muscle mass of... well... me..., and stands in front of a mirror growling and flexing.

What about rooting myself in truth {i.e. who God is, who I am, what God has promised}, fighting the urge to react, inhale slow and deep, and stand in the unknown... in the tension... in the blank spots that are left when old lies are finally seen for what they really are- empty.

The complexity, mystery, and silencing power of the big wave sends my thoughts to my God who is not just complex but sovereign over His intricacies; who is not just mysterious but stays with us in the silence; who is not just powerful but compassionate in His omnipotence.

I never swam far from shore

never tried the secret door 

but when you give me love

when you give me love 

I have no fear of heights 

no fear of the deep blue sea

although it could drown me

I know it could drown me 

I'm warming up to the idea that not only does God meet me in the tension, out in the middle of the deep blue sea, but that He actually calls me out there... He invites me into the tension, into the unknown, into the slow motion chaos.

Because 

it's in that tension that I must be oriented to Him. My heart must be calibrated according to His. We are made to outgrow the excitement of the shore. We are made to venture into the dangerous places in life, or simply the awareness of them. I do not pretend to have a tight grasp on the "whys" and "hows," but I am confident in this: God draws us into the tension and into Himself in the same motion. 

I never walked near the edge

used to fear falling

...

but when you give me love 

when you give me love

...

no fear of the fall

no fear if it's with you that I fall

I'm thinking about the last line of "A Grief Observed." Lewis quotes Dante {I think?} to give one final glimpse into the preciousness of his bride's heart.
"Poi si torno all' eterna fontana," ...
"then into the eternal fountain she turned."

:: all i have need of ::

For whatever reason, I have been feeling uncomfortably in tune with my need for God. A good pastor's daughter like me comes out of the womb knowing that "there's a God-shaped-vacuum inside every person," and that "nothing but God can satisfy it." I get it, I know it, I believe it. Lately I think I have been living it. I live the longing for something outside of me to provide even a hint comfort, hope, joy, conviction, passion, empowerment, purpose, peace. I live the disappointment that follows when I pick something other than the something. {Thankfully} I live the "power and comfort of God's hand in mine,"** when I orient myself to God, his truth, his people, his leadership, his judgment, his mercy, his covenant, his spirit.

Today this song came up on my iPod.
**http://www.last.fm/music/Sara+Groves/_/He%27s+Always+Been+Faithful 
One of the lines is, "all I have need of his hand will provide, he's always been faithful to me." There are so many times that I am so overcome by the "all I have need of," part {my needs, poverty, starvation, rape, murder, broken marriages, miscarriages, death, cancer, yadda yadda yadda}. Tonight the tears come because I just can not get over the profound reality that "he's always been faithful to me."

It's not that I have forgotten the longings of my heart. They are still very present, and very real. At the same time, I am struck by the richness, purity, and depth of God's provision. I don't know why it is so easy for me to start to fear that God will suddenly decide to stop providing. The Bible doesn't teach me that- it teaches that God is a covenant keeper- that he knows me, cares for me, is gracious unto me, created me, redeems me, forgives me, protects me. When the fear sets in, that's when I try to take matters in my own hands.

I'm thinking of what happens sometimes when I'm babysitting : I make the bottle, baby sees bottle, I take baby and bottle into baby's room, I set bottle down, attempt to change baby, baby who has seen bottle screams because I'm trying to change them into pajamas first, baby resists the pajama change prolonging the process. Poor thing doesn't know that if they would just stop resisting, we'd get those little jammies zipped up and go get the bottle.

I become baby: "ummmmm I just saw God make the bottle, but now he's withholding it from me?" So I fight it, and fight it, and fight it. I imagine God saying, "just settle down, slow down, calm down."

We can wiggle ourselves out of the God's arms that have never ceased to provide in an attempt to get our hands on the goods and satisfy what feels like a starving belly. That's kind of what Abram and Sarai tended to do {read it}. I wonder if they would have had to wait so long for Isaac had they been more obedient. We can't really know that, but I think we can be fairly confident that they would have avoided some fall-out {i.e. Hagar drama} had they chosen to walk with God rather than trying to fulfill God's promise to them... by themselves. Kind of stupid, actually. I don't know why humanity does that.

We do not get to control how God demonstrates his faithfulness or the timing of the process.
But we do have choice in the matter:
option #1: earnestly seek God's hand {i.e. God to act in the ways we expect/demand}
or
option #2: earnestly seek God's face.

The former can leave us disappointed, throwing a hissy, deciding that God is holding out. That's super annoying and tends to isolate us from relationships because other people get sick of being around that craziness. But the worst part about option #1 is that we are missing out on the profound experience of knowing God.

My knowledge of God is earth-bound, but it is profoundly rich and life giving- it's intangible and indescribable, and so intimate that no other human being can ever comprehensively experience it with me.

And yet it comprehensively
... no...
it abundantly fills me.


i can't remember a trial or a pain
he did not recycle to bring me gain
i can't remember one single regret
in serving God only and trusting his hand
all i have need of his hand will provide
he's always been faithful to me

{ you're the target that i'm aiming at }

"target"... arrow ... cupid ... (cherub .. chubby?) ... valentines day ... eww.

in honor of this "eww"-ness, today i am reflecting on sin : D ba ha ha.


actually, i started this inner dialogue earlier this week. today just seems like the right day for the thoughts to assemble into letters and words and travel down my arms, through my fingers, to these keys, on this screen.

so, last weekend i went to this stupid complimentary training session. my trainer for the hour, among other things [i.e. handsy], was ... enthusiastic. after telling me my physique was "acceptable," he encouraged me to abide by a plan that i can only describe as a legalistic version of the religion of fitness. i admit, he was rather convincing. for a moment i actually believed my new life goal should be to have a BMI of 15%. when the session was over, i got my things and headed out. he stopped me, "wait, are you finished?" um. yes. "yeah. i've got a Bible study to get to." "oh, so you're one of those religious types."

i noticed him trying to catch my eye during subsequent work-outs. this kind of weirdness is interpreted by most ladies as creepy. i thought i had successfully managed to convince him that i was un-interruptible. [i felt pretty confident about my shoulder presses]. i was walking out of the facility when i saw him out of the corner of my eye... and he was moving towards me. then he said hi. then he walked with me to the door. then he cornered me. and started to ask me about church.

i said a little- just enough to answer his questions, not enough to invite more conversation. then he started to tell me about his beliefs. fair enough, [although the context of a 24 hour fitness was unexpected]. he told me that he had grown up Catholic, went to a protestant/evangelical church in his young adult life, and now as a 50(?) year old, he has found something new and "amazing." I don't remember the specific names of the people, books, or movements ... maybe miracle something ... but I do remember him saying that in this new spirituality of his he has found the truth: "church wants us to believe that we are separate from God when really we are one with him." [oh boy.] "God is love ... all that stuff they say about sin ... why would God create us to sin? God is perfect!" [oh no.] "I mean, it's so great! It all makes sense! God loves us!" it was the wrong time for me to say anything other than, "i'd love to hear more about it sometime," which was true. i want to hear what this spirituality of his is, because it says something about what he is looking for and what he needs.

my immediate afterthought was, "we [people] don't get sin." lately, God has been answering a prayer i said years ago, asking him to "pull back the covers to reveal my other [figurative] lovers." He's been dealing with me. He's been exposing what my heart seems to lust after like an adulterous wife. He's been meeting me, as i sit in a newly humbled posture. He's been loving me.

I think that it's possible that humanity can't handle the unrest of the topic of "sin" because we don't get it ... we don't see the full picture. We can see-feel-taste-hear-smell the shame, the void, the darkness. We don't like to sit in this stuff. some rationalize and justify to dissolve the guilt. some wallow in shame so as to at least be honest. my trainer friend decides that sin is an illusion and that we are really one with God ... that we ARE God. I wonder if he's really convinced himself of that. i can't think that he has ... there's too much pain in the world to keep flying in the face of such a farce.

i don't claim to know it perfectly, to live it perfectly, to be perfectly faithful to it ... but i know the answer - the one that even in all of it's mystery can free me from forsakenness.

Jesus.

the reality of sin is horrific.
the reality of Jesus is glorious.

by denying-invalidating-erasing sin, we deny-invalidate-erase JESUS that rushes in like a flood with grace, peace, mercy, fulfillment, joy.

we have to acknowledge the sin
sit with the mess
long enough
for the blood of Jesus to move in
and heal, bind up, purify, to give life

my heart doesn't always feel all of this as a reality. in those times i have to choose faith and hope in the things i "know" cognitively. there are a few moments in my life where it has seemed like the space between me and God wasn so thin that i could almost hear him breathing. One of these times was right in the middle of a pretty dark day [week... month ... semester?] of college. this song came on. and i stopped. it was like i was hearing the words for the first time. it was like they were passing over God's lips and humming in my ears ... kind of like how words sound when your head is resting on someone's chest while they are talking. the song's significance gets deeper and richer with every painful experience: "love to the loveless shown" adolescence?, "your heavy heart is made of stone" college?, "and I'm not gonna take it back, and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that" 2009? With all of the fractured displays of love in this world (sins against us), and the fallout we experience when we royally mess up (sins by us), it is NO WONDER the ache in a heart is stilled at the very possibility that God could love like this - relentless, piercing, reckless, valiant, forever.

so Lord, don't let me hide from the reality of my sin
and don't let me hide from the reality of you.

[disclaimer: "and i'm nothing on my own." God doesn't need us. right. i get it. and at the same time, there's an element of the opposite reality - that God isn't really God if he is not loving His creation. I haven't fully thought this one out yet. let it be in tension, people.] [and happy valentine's day, valentines.]


my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes on
you don't have to be alone


your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be alone


and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
got to get that message home


my song is love
my song is love, unknown
but i'm on fire for you, clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own


and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at 
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home


and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it till it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and sing
that i'm nothing on my own


my song is love, love unknown
and i've got to get that message home

coldplay <3

:perfectly lonely:

:i don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me:
:that's the way, that's the way, that's the way that i want it:

really j. mayer? i'll sadly leave you in that delusion, illusion ... to that preclusion of a life fully realized.

confession- when i first heard the song i liked it. a lot.
it met a need i had to feel upbeat and righteous about my isolation (aka my choice method of coping).
funny, it never really helped.
nope. i wasn't perfectly lonely. i was just lonely.

today i heard the song again on the radio. let it be known that i do enjoy mayer. i get, and don't necessarily disagree with, reasons people have for criticizing him and his music: "he's a pervert," "he's not really that good of a vocalist," "he's just another guy with a guitar." yeah, and for some reason i still find myself drawn to certain songs of his. i get the sense that he has the propensity for depth. i wonder if his crudeness and heartless dealings with women are maladaptive responses to "stuff" in his life. this person who has the capacity for profundity chooses to keep it to himself where it plateaus and remains caged. maybe in isolation people start to rot a little bit ... they have no access to the feedback, nourishment, and pruning that come with meaningful relationships. possibly. i won't deny the luxuries of doing life solo, but like i said ... i think it's an illusion ... a promise of fulfillment, control, freedom that can only stand to support a sort of lackluster existence. and i'm just going to throw this out there : removing ourselves from relationship creates the perfect environment for non-truths to take root and take over.

i'm dealing with my own learning curve in this area. moving towards intimacy is a risk because we have to re-visit the rules of our lives and evaluate if they are really working for us. old comfortable rules die hard, especially when their factuality seems to have been reinforced and proven by our life experiences. i'm not even 25, but i already know that i'm not going to do this "perfectly lonely" dance and shellack a smile on my face until i've convinced myself that it's "the way that i want it."

instead:
* "i'm there too," michelle featherstone
* "take a load off annie," marshall tucker band
* "better," regina spektor
* "i'm gonna be," the proclaimers
* "by your side," sade
* "heavenly day," patty griffin
* "stick with me baby," robert plant & alison krauss
* "easy silence," dixie chicks
* "roll to the middle," sara groves
* "loving a person," sara groves
* "different kinds of happy," sara groves
* "i hurt too," katie herzig
* "always a use," madeleine peyroux
* "a message," coldplay
* "coming up easy," paolo nutini


i am in no way shape or form promoting enmeshment. no no no no. that's like the cousin of j. mayer's approach to life : equally miserable.

[big sigh] ... something to be unpacked another day.

in closing, i'm thinking about something one of the most amazing women in the world said to me today. we were talking about the above and related subjects, and somehow i was reminded of something this cutie-patootie 3 year old said to me. i had just made him dinner and got him all situated at the table with his placemat, teddy-bear plate, and glass of milk. then like i usually do, i headed back to start cleaning up. he looked over at me and said, "would you like to come over and keep me company?"

i melted. i realized that i had overlooked the treasure of his little soul that wanted nothing more than to be close to me. i realize how often i do that with people in my world.

and then the amazing woman said something to me, "Leigh Anne, don't you think God might be waiting for you to ask him that question? 'Hi God, would you like to come over and keep me company?"

why... hmmm... i guess.... i guess maybe.... and maybe somehow i have a bit of that preciousness in my spirit. the kind that just makes him melt, gush, drop everything, come be with me and delight.

: are you lonesome tonight :

self-admitted guilty pleasure = the bachelor.

a. as Lauren Angel says, it's a reminder of how distasteful crazy girl is. blech. spit that out.
b. affirms my theory on the curse of Eve ... women having a tendency to surrender themselves to at times relationally incapable men
c. awkward + drama + tearful train wrecks = entertaining {it's simple math}

the more i pursue things like authenticity, integrity, congruence, i am starting to see little sproutings of balance and discernment. something i've been thinking of lately is the marriage of freedom and accountability. case in point : the bachelor.

if i had a nickel for every time i yell at the computer screen, "girl, you signed up for the bachelor. goodness gracious." i have slight empathy because i know my own capability to be clingly/needy/subservient/spineless. however my strongest emotion is frustration. these women walked into the disaster of the bachelor. {interestingly, they are all "catches" by societies standards. why so single and primed to surrender self?} the whole thing screams of fear : fear that manifests itself as over-analyzing, crying, manipulation, anxiety, blame, self-centeredness, insecurity, scrambling, hopeless attempts to control everyone and everything ... all yucky. bigger picture, it's my guess that many if not most of the girls that signed up did so at least in part because they were afraid of being single - in the present or forever.

i'm not on the bachelor but there are many times that i forge into territory that only promises disappointment and maybe disaster. and then i feel like the victim to what is only natural consequences to my decisions. no doubt there are inviting aspects of the bachelor : come make out with a hottie, sit by the pool all day, travel, have pillow fights, drink champagne all the time. seems to promise to make every girl the queen bee ... but ... how is that possible? the bachelor is set up so that one girl stands at the end, but then again there's the possibility that the dude choses no one ... or that he chooses someone and the "relationship" turns into the most dreadful experience of a lady's lifetime. side note : those producers are heartless.

such things in life promise to make us princes and princesses. and then they leave us looking like suckers. what's that thing Isaiah says to Israel when they are grieving the fact that their ba'als aren't answering them? "They say nothing, because they are nothing -- sham gods, no-gods, fool-making gods," [isaiah 41:24].

i'm contrasting this whole corrupt situation with a different kind of darkness. There's a book I got for Christmas that i've finally made time to read. It's called, "I Loved Jesus in the Night." The second-title part is, "Teresa of Calcutta, a Secret Revealed." listen to this : i hate reading. but i can't put this little thing down. I love Paul Murray for writing it in short-chapter form. Here's the profound and impossibility of Mother Teresa's soul condition - she was overwhelmed with darkness. "To be in love and yet not love, to live by faith and yet not to believe. To spend myself and yet to be in total darkness." She was overwhelmed with a looming sense of a terrible co-existence of a longing for God and the feeling that he had abandoned her.

unlike those bachelor babes, Mother Teresa faced the darkness with honesty, petitions, commitment, diligence. her exhausted and wrung-dry heart moved forward into a calling that came from a God she at times doubted even existed. "The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable ... I have no faith -- I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart -- and make me suffer untold agony ... If there is a God, please forgive me ... When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul." um.

and further contrary to those other ladies, Mother Teresa is described by those who encountered here as radiant. RADIANT. i look at those ladies on t.v. and the word that comes to mind is pitiful. Mother Teresa seems to have made some peace with the tension of the soul. She was moved by the words of John of the Cross : "This dark night is an inflow of God into the soul." Or as Paul Murray says, "Rather [the darkness] was the shadow cast in her soul by the overwhelming light of God's presence : God utterly present and yet utterly hidden."

in a time of serious illness (June 1983), Mother Teresa wrote, rather prayed, "Jesus, I love with my whole heart, with my whole being. I have given Him all, even my sins, and He has espoused me to Himself in tenderness and love."

she walked into a calling ... into uncharted territory ... into darkness ... into tension ... into being ... into honesty ... into fear ... this was not a manipulative way to get her love cup filled ... but that seems to be exactly what happened.

amen, and amen.

{...i'd open up the moon for you

...  just come down soon}
- sara b.

love her. just plain love her.

other things i love:
anything moon: songs, shapes, moods. moon moods.
baby-sized things: spoons and toothbrushes- because they are cute and because they fit into my post-wisdom-teeth-removal mouth better than the adult sizes.
single serving sizes: haagen dazs, little GoodBelly probiotic drinks.

yes. love. warm love in my heart for these things.

so the point. yes. well, the context is:
had wisdom teeth removed - no big deal - so i thought - two dry sockets are a big deal - and bloody painful - pun intended - i don't usually like help - but yesterday i was so sad to be help-less - pathetic - went to the doc - got some relief - felt less pathetic --
i have a new friend who is in the making-fantastic-food business. well, he insisted upon doing something care-taking for me. usually, i could come up with about twenty different reasons why it was unnecessary. but i love food. and this soft food thing is getting dull. so i let him. he waltzed into my kitchen, cooked, talked, and cleaned the stove - all while i sat at the table, in jamjams, in glasses, with heating pad pushed up to cheeks.

here's what i noticed - sometimes people interpret another's misfortune as an opportune time to process their own drama... this was not one of those times. this was a time where i was allowed to just show up- to just be present.  i think i actually enjoyed watching my friend try to match tupperware lids to containers and clean the stove top. i think i said some of the most profoundly congruent self-reflecting statements, i think i laughed...honestly.

truthfully, it is no ones fault but our own if we do anything in life other than bring ourselves without disclaimers. the fact that i never do that is not the responsibility of the people i live my life beside. furthermore... it's not God's fault when i choose to remove myself from that space He creates for me to just be with Him - that space where i can just settle in and be the most honest, fullest, richest, voluptuous version of my self. Because the older i get, the more deeply i'm choosing to believe that God DOES indeed speak to me clearest, hold me closest, and funnel into me fullest when i am in that warm space of BEING. it's a space that is draped with butter yellow, fresh light, warmth, and it smells like cloves... or maybe gardenia- and i just want to collapse into it because it feeds me, fuels me, and straightens my crookedness all at the same time.

it's a wonder any of us deny meeting God in a space like that. i avoid it because i have this stupid rule in place that says, "true bad ass xena warrior princesses don't need that space and place. nope. and people who do are selfish. less holy. booo on them." yikes. maybe for others it's the fact that they were just never were taught that such a place existed- if our parent's didn't know about it, how could they tell us? maybe it's because it just seems to good to be true. maybe it's because it feels selfish to hide out there when people are dying and being raped and neglected.

this morning my friend asked me why i wanted to do counseling. whenever someone asks me that, my immediate internal response is, "i don't even know if i want to do counseling. i don't really like people." but today what came out of my mouth surprised me. i said, "you know, i've always been drawn to pain. i think maybe because there is something that God has put in me to bring to that pain." i wonder... maybe, living in that butter yellow space of being... maybe that kind of fattens me up with "being".... maybe God then equips me to take that "being" into the pain- and with it, the warmth, the peace, the richness, the depth, the light. MAYBE i don't have to sacrifice that space in order to do what i think my heart beats to do (exist in the pain and tension of the world). MAYBE, it is that space that allows me to DO IT. maybe... true warrior princesses need that space and place to be filled so that they can go kick some ass.

oh snap.

being is scary as long as we analyze it through this filter of doing. yes.... a be-ing will most likely look like a {royal screw up} (enter your own phrase of choice) to someone who is a do-ing. but to those that are also in the business of being, the presence of another be-ing is a validation and a continued invitation into freedom and wholeness.

i know a few be-ings, but i think i know more do-ings. the be-ings are initially a little frightening... they seem to push in on all the boundaries i've set up for myself to help me do. but you know what? no matter how close i can inch myself to a do-ing, i still fee alone. it's with the be-ings in my world that i can really come without disclaimer, without hesitation, without judging myself. i think it's the be-ings that really see the truest, richest version of me {richest version being named booty baby? maybe? how else will that ever make sense...}

i realize this is a lot about me. take it as me sharing a journal entry- and journal entries are allowed to be about ourselves.