::: you did that for me :::

{name that artist and you get a prize... which will probably be a pat on the back that you have to give yourself. but that's a good prize. so do it.}

Over the past couple of weeks, I've become aware of the reality that I'm missing some of my clothes. Some of the items are incompatible with the Dallas heat, so I'm not too concerned. Other items {like all of my shorts except for 2 pairs}, seem slightly more relevant and necessary. I've been putting off going to the storage unit because storage units are dark and smelly and hot and a perfect example of organized chaos... especially when Isaac and George are your movers.

Today I broke. After a little Gilad-ing {shout out: Julie Heth, Lindsay Will, Britt Kroll, Lauren Angel, Julia Wicker, Becca Mercer}, Carol and I headed to Public Storage. I attempted to dig around and look at every label on every box. I even opened a few. No such luck. The whereabouts of my shorts and other summer attire remain a mystery.

We got back to the house and I could feel a little pit of frustration turning around in my gut. As I walked up the stairs I thought, "this is so not about the shorts."

And it's not that the shorts issue is the straw that has broken some camel's back. I think that somewhere in my heart I was hoping that finding that dang box would bring me some relief... of what I am not sure. Hmmmm. Maybe that's it- maybe I want relief from uncertainty, from not knowing, from being limited.

It is so apparent to me that I am limited. My post-masters, in-transition, unemployed heart can not analyze its way out of the uncertainty of life. It can't perform its way into a comfortable security. It can't come up with eloquent words and pretty analogies. In the midst of scrambling to do something, anything, to find a steady footing, God takes His big hands and wraps them around my heart and holds it still. At first it feels paralyzing. My heart starts to beat a bit harder as if it was trying to jump out of His hands. And then it pauses in the stillness.

 I know that I know that I know that I know that God does not hold me in His hands simply to teach me a lesson for the sake of a lesson. This is not God putting me in shackles. This is God holding me still so that He can release me from what binds me up. He is ushering me into freedom. When my best efforts prove to be useless, when I have zero ability to do emotional and mental gymnastics, I'm left with only one reasonable choice.

Look what I read this morning:

"Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey. I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go."
Jesus Calling, Sara Young

I know I've referenced this book a few times now, and I think it's because something about the way this chick paraphrases scripture speaks to my heart. It strikes me as rich... and true. That kind of truth that is too good... too perfect...too healing... my heart hesitates and yearns to just soak it in at the same time. Today's little reading was followed by a couple of passages. One of them is Psalm 143.

"Hurry with your answer, God! I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Don't turn away; don't ignore me! That would be certain death. 
If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice, I'll go to sleep each night trusting you. 
Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before you.
Save me from my enemies God--You're my only hope! 
Teach me how to live to please you, because YOU are my God.
Lead me by your blessed Spirit into cleared and level pastureland."
{vs 7-10}

And then there's this S. Groves song that just messes me up.

... I don't have to know it all
I don't have to be so proud and stand so tall
I climbed that mountain only to fall
I don't have to know it all.
You did that for me,
Oh, you did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me...

side note: it's been playing on repeat for an hour and a half and I'm not even close to being sick of it.

I think I've assumed that just being in the presence of the Lord without attempting to earn or perform or learn was just lazy... or lacked the promise of security. I thought choosing to sit at His feet was passive. But... today... I am realizing it isn't lazy or passive... at all.  It requires that we battle our temptation to be in some sort of control over the world and our standings with Him. It requires that we fight the urge to :do: in order to find a way into His heart. Oh that's hard. What I maybe have seen as laziness or naiveté is the peace and freedom that comes from acknowledging that He has taken what I deserve so that I could be free.

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her.'"
Luke 10:41-42

Mary chose Jesus. And she found joy and freedom and delight and intimacy and peace. Even through the pages Mary emanates this remarkable purity of spirit. And the presence of the Lord and all that floods  "will not be taken away from her." oooooooh snaaaap.

Sometimes it is hard for me to trust God's invitation, and yet I know that if I am not pressing into Him and what He offers me, then what else am I left with? A world and its redundant currency of success, power, infatuations, and emptiness.

The desire of my heart is to take what feels like a risk and throw myself into what I sense God is calling me into. I already have a deep anticipation that what I find will be so unbelievably rich that I'll forget that I had to "risk" anything to get there.

{big sigh}

amen.