:: what can you do with a heavy soul? ::

Part of me hesitates to be so bold on a holiday so that I can avoid being that person who is the ultimate debbie-downer and self-focused enough that she can't see the inappropriateness of trumpeting her private doom and gloom. But that's only a part of me.

Most of me knows that's not what I'm doing. The counselor in me knows that the holidays are saturated with sad things: break-ups, relapses, poverty, suicides. I can think of countless faces and names that represent real pain, real trauma, real disappointment. Maybe by being honest about my own heavy soul will help others come out of hiding, because we know that in hiding, the gloom doesn't get exposed to the light... which is true and warm and rich and transforming.

I was looking forward to having some time to myself this week. I was viewing it as a precious stay-cation where I could read some good books by the fire, watch movies while sitting in a cocoon of a down comforter, walk to local restaurants with friends for happy hour, do some serious laundry, put on an apron and do some canning, entertain some people at least for one night, have a sleepover, watch the parade, spend some sweet time just me and the Lord. Truth be told, I have done a fair amount of the things on my list.

After staying up way too late watching Big Bang Theory (shout out Dad and Michael Stark), I stumbled out of bed at 6:50 so I could watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I feel asleep about 40 minutes in, and woke up right as the hosts were signing off. My first thought was, "dang it. I missed Santa." Even typing that makes me laugh a little to myself. Oh well, on to the next thing: fire-side e-mailing. So and so likes your pin, pay $50 for $100 worth of something I don't need, fly roundtrip for $236, another job rejection e-mail. Pause.... followed by "dammit," which was followed by "Where ARE you?" I think he said, "I'm right here." I know that should have been good enough... but it wasn't. "I died for you Leigh Anne." Yeah... I want that to somehow make it all better, or at least help me feel happy and excited. "Be thankful. That will open your heart to be able to receive my peace that passes all understanding." I'm not proud of what I responded with. In fact, I'm ashamed... and at the same time I'm thankful that I know he can take it.

Despite my feelings, I do believe what God tells us: choosing thankfulness in the midst of ________ (fill in the blank), we make ourselves available to what God wants for us: peace, growth, refinement, hope, joy, depth, perspective.

So I decided to make a list of things that I'm thankful for. Here's what I came up with:
- the Ericksons
- sharpie pens that don't bleed through paper
- Happy Tummy tea
- cozy things: fire places, down comforters
- natural light
- the colors amber, olive, coral, navy, gray
- Sara Groves
- grandparents
- parents
- sisters
- poached eggs
- people who believe in me
- frozen yogurt
- misfit gatherings
- the Goodwill by my old house
- my hair when it's blow dried
- redemption
- truth
- severe mercies
- spotify
- canning
- apple butter
- lemon curd
- baby Ada cakes (can't wait to see her)
- good childhood memories
- Thanksgiving day parade
- people who tell me hard truths
- people who let me be in process
- teachability
- gesso
- free things
- Bodie's artwork
- Tate's babbling
- aprons
- growth
- self-awareness
- bold honesty
- surrender
- crazy love
- my Bible study
- relationships that are consistent and stable
- patience
- people who encourage me to be gracious with myself
- psalm 16
- texts from Caitlin Staples
- wearing dresses
- boots
- rooftop views
- complexity
- bucket lists
- Gregory Alan Isakov
- Brandi Carlile
- kari Jobe
- Patty Griffin
- cheese
- stringed instruments
- stacks of books
- magazines
- good toilet paper
- boundaries
- generosity
- intertwining of brokenness and beauty
- openness
- my experience at the Crossing, especially the groups
- baseball T's
- connecting
- empowering
- home movies
- hymns
- having a clear heart before the Lord
- repurposing

Here's the song I referenced in the title of this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOGlUvqPAUo
It kind of reminds me of the lamenting Psalms, and how they hold sorrow and hope in tension... how they express sadness and fear, but book-end the raw distress with raw commitment to the Lord and a ruthless trust in his character. If I let the stubbornness slide off my back, it's replaced with acceptance: of my circumstances AND of God's presence (which encompasses so much more than I could ever articulate or even be aware of).

Next thing on the list for today... make that corn that reminds me of mom and Grandma Sally. Take a shower. Take the corn to a Thanksgiving meal. Laugh, smile, relate, listen, share.