... but i want you to remember my name ...

hmmmm thank you Alanis. once again you manage to articulate what i haven't yet.
"it's not all me." big sigh. "it's not all my fault." bigger sigh. "i won't take it all on." biggest sigh.
for Alanis, "it" is her boy-toy's weirdness and butt-headed-ness.
for me, well, i think "it" is more general.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E-LglmCrXk ]

for context, i'm eating jelly bellies as i type, which i continue to find to be the remedy to most problems.
[hmmm... cinnamon... caramel something... creamcicle]

back to the point, although i don't really have a point. I think i just wanted to take a moment to document some items from my developing self inventory.

1. i like listening to Kosi 101.
2. i enjoy the finer things in life. i've tried to deny it because it made me feel snooty. well, no snootiness ... i just like gourmet candy, feather beds, and aveda. so sue me.
3. entrusting someone with more "self" than they have proven worthy of doesn't end well
4. we presume too much. and doubt too much... ironically

[chocolate pudding. disappointing. french vanilla + chocolate pudding = interesting, but still duds-ville]

5. i don't take issue with certain things that others do. and i don't always know how that translates.
6. some-[maybe many]-times it's better to let someone figure it out, rather than try to manage it for them
7. i'm not afraid of exploring questions about life and conclusions, but i do fear losing any sense of grounding, solidarity, commitment, integrity

[omg. cherrrrry.]

8. "i can feel so unloved for someone so fine... so ignorant for someone of sound mind... when will I stop leaving? when will i stop deserting, baby? when will I start staying with myself?" and then "somewhere along the way i gave you the power to make me feel the way..." ahhhh. yes. take back sense of self. that's the ticket.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy9q6-kreBY and http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alanis+morissette/so+unsexy_20005501.html]
9. must avoid icky smells and germy germs at all costs
10. it's nice to feel like a lady

I am feeling freer this year (ha). I like it. It's easy to be afraid of freedom. I'm sure everyone has their own particular reason, and I'm not even going to speculate about what those might be. I can say that for me, my fear is related to the fact that I seem to unnecessarily define freedom as being free from God, rather than being free with/in the sovereignty of God. Those two things are very very very different. My sense is that it's more of a spectrum... so towards the middle it gets difficult to differentiate. We have responsibility to be aware of self, and take care of business... whether that means surging forward in the freedom that God has given even if others don't get it, OR rooting deep... devoting self to the course when all we want to do is run in any other direction. I'm wondering what it looks like in community - how much are we supposed to interpret someone's sense of freedom for them? How do we let others be responsible for self without becoming so sickeningly relative?

[some kind of melon... interesting... no, intriguing. peach, yes. raspberry something, yes. buttered popcorn... i thought you weren't in there.. but there you were all along. oh the delight.]

a final thought :

The Lord said to Moses,
"Tell Aaron and his sons, 'this is how you are to bless the Israelites. Say to them:
"'"The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."'
"So they will put MY name on the Israelites, and I will BLESS them."
[numbers 6:22-27]

I want that... I want His name all over me.



[And just because I can't leave this out... the last jelly bean has left me perplexed.]